Monday, August 15, 2011

My Dentist Is a Dick and Happy Birthday, Linz!

Check out my new digs! Rainbow! Whoa! Oh my god!! This is so intense! Wooooo!! Yeah!!!

Uhhmmm, for those of you who are new to my blog, no, Morag is not my girlfriend.

August has been one craaaazy month. In one day (last week), I managed to summon emergency vehicles to my home (almost - it would have happened if not for my cunning cover-up), set up a date with a stranger (despite the fact that I am a mostly married woman with a toddler at home), and have my mouth mangled by a money grubbing dentist who insisted on calling me "little one" and "baby girl" while he sadistically drilled into my face. And that was just one day, guys. ONE DAY. Before dinner, even.

First, I dialed 911 in my sleep. I know I dialed them in my sleep because I woke to the sound of a woman's voice coming from my blackberry and the words "emergency call" were lit up on my screen. Rather than calmly explain the situation to the nice lady like a normal person would, I panicked and hung up.  I was in the midst of a complete breakdown, imagining the police triangulating my location, showing up at my house, and throwing me in prison, when the operator called me back. Luckily I had the wherewithal to pretend that she WOKE ME UP,  and "groggily" mumbled something about turning off the alarm clock on my cell phone. I wasn't fooling anyone with my fake sleepy voice, but, for the sake of my self-esteem, I like to pretend she bought it. Totally not a good start to my day.

On the way to work, I got stuck talking to a really talkative weirdo at my bus stop (I always get stuck talking to strange misfits and oddballs because they can sense that I am one of them and, therefore, too sympathetic to reject them). Not only did he talk my ear off at the stop and then on the bus, but he also followed me onto the subway and chatted me up there.

I am an idiot when it comes to talking to strangers. The only thing I DON'T do is give them the keys to my house and a date when they can rape and murder me. Here's an example:

Weirdo: Maybe I'll see you around.
Me: Yeah, well, that's my stop. I'm there all the time.
Weirdo: Oh yeah? Every morning at this time? 
Me: Yep. On my way to work. 

WTF, Miranda?! That then opened the door, of course, for him to say "Maybe we can do coffee sometime" to which I replied with an enthusiastic "Sure!!" He seemed surprised, clearly pleased with his luck. He should have been - the dude is old enough to be my father and apparently I agreed to go on a date with him. He was like "really?!" and, not wanting to seem like a liar by contradicting myself, I smiled broadly and said "Yeah!" My social skills are AWESOME.

Fast forward a bit to my dentist visit where I spent over two straight hours having my mouth needlessly butchered. My (former) dentist gave me two small fillings (for cavities the dental hygienist told me were so tiny, the doc probably wouldn't fill them at all), and replaced two existing ones - one that had started to leak, and one that he openly admitted didn't need replacing, but he wanted out because it was a white filling and, therefore, wouldn't last as long as the silver one he wanted to put in. I am convinced that the greedy bastard just wanted to max out my dentist appointment and take as much money from me as he possibly could. I spent at least half of that appointment praying for death because about an hour in, the freezing started to wear off. It's been days now and I am still in pain. Meanwhile, my dentist is probably in his mansion, giggling to himself while he swims around in a big pile of my money like Scrooge McDuck. Here's a piece of advice: when your dentist asks "Just how married ARE you to those white fillings?" ...RUN!!

I can't wait for September.

Happy Birthday to my Mom - not the Mom who gave birth to me, but the Mom who is my pimp, the Godmother of my child, and my best friend. Now we're officially old together. 


  1. i wrote a comment and then the internet ate it

    i didn't know you had a new blog! way to not tell me!!
    thanks for bday shout out - we are officially in the cougar pack (or pride? or whatever a group of cougars are called)

    your story about the stranger made me laugh to myself out loud - just when i think you've said the face-palmiest thing ever, there you go and say something that makes me do the same thing again!

  2. I was SUPPOSED to be updating here since August 1st, but I am a slacker, so I didn't tell anyone.

    Also, rawr!!

    I like to think that my ability to elicit a face-palm, to constantly surprise with my stupidity, is part of my charm.